One of my Facebook friends announced that she's now a friend of Joe Dolce, so I became one too. Ten or more years ago I was so sick of the Princess Diana funeral moneymaking rip-off, that I speculated what if.....
Not for me the conspiracy theories concerning her death. Oh no. What interested me was the conspiracy theory concerning her funeral.
Dying young isn't a bad career move. Look at what it's done for Michael Jackson. Or Elvis. Or Freddie Mercury. Or John Lennon. I mean, if Lennon was still alive, we wouldn't have to put up with bloody "Imagine" in every popular music poll, with Bohemian bloody Rhapsody at number 2.
No, dying young can help you sell an awful lot of records.
So, no sooner had Diana's body been brought back to England when they began sorting out her funeral. And it seemed that everyone knew that her favourite song was candle in the bloody wind, a song that dates from when she was a little girl.
Her favourite song was "Candle in the wind".
Really? I mean, they didn't just make that up did they?
What if her favourite song was Joe Dolce's classic "Shaddup ya face"? Can you imagine Joe with his mandolin in the Abbey, regaling the great and good with the immortal lines
"What's a matter you, hey?
Got no respect hey?
Whatta you thinka you do?
Why you look so sad?
It's not so bad
It's a nice place
Ah shaddup ya face!"
And yes you can play it at my funeral.
And here's Samuel L Jackson's version